I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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