My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
