He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
