i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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