I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
