How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Randomize