I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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