omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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