my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
