There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
