can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
