i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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