all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
