Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
