If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
