I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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