You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
