maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
