3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
