she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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