i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
