My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
