i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
