My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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