How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize