I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
