He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
