The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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