new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
