Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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