So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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