i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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