That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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