I heard we made out
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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