I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
