Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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