i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
