I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
