guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
