The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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