bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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