Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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