we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize