Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
