We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
