An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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