I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Mom said you looked used
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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