wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
