i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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