So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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