best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
