Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
