This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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