Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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