Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
