my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
