There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
