I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
