First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
