used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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